Would you like to know?

I stepped in a puddle today. It soaked through the hole at the bottom of my shoe. My foot was wet, and I left a shoe print every place I went.

Today's thoughts consist of these:

I always like the boys I can't have, what's up with that?

Yesterday was a really fun day. From getting cute compliments, to putting wishes in my necklace. I loved all of it.

I want to improve my penmanship.

Hmph! I've made so many new goals. But, I've seem to have forgotten all of them. They're misplaced in my brain. I want to remember them.

Get your own quotes!

Madd had the most odd dream last night, which reminds me how excited I am for tomorrow night. I just wish I could change a few things about it.

My new addiction- coffee candies, and writing upside down.

Don't ever expect something to happen, because expecting it to, will only disappoint you.

I wish I was good at staying in touch.

I don't think my life is going to get any better then it is now. And I'm so glad.





naked trees, so many leaves you can't see the ground, warm breeze, wearing anything and being a temperature so perfect, darkness arriving earlier, the smell of Halloween costumes, just the word "October". I'm in love with the fall. Allow me to elaborate every chance I get.

I wish that,

I could explain, in depth, every thought running through my mind. I wish I could tell you every emotion I feel. It's just so hard to describe. It's pretty close to every thought, and every emotion mashed up into one. Something without a name, I know that.

I'm so thankful, I'm so sorry, I'm so upset, I'm so fantastic, I feel bad, I feel too happy to explain, I love how my life is going right now. Then again, seeing my best friend cry in my arms, over someone I've only met once, is the most unpleasant, and warm feeling I've ever encountered. I hope he does alright. I hope nothing's wrong. I feel as if this is happening to my family, because I've grown so close to her's. So close, that they ARE my family...and I wouldn't change that for anything. Not even one thing.

Imaginary ordinary.

I'm really, really glad that I'm not a part of the 99.9% of Simi Valley High School that attends the football games every Friday night. My Friday's are so much better without a crowd of people I see everyday at school, surrounding me and acting like they normally wouldn't. It's so nice to get away from those people and enjoy the nice company of my best friends in a little venue, with music and fun filling the air. Walking around the edges of the football field trying to find people to talk to, cannot compare to these nights in any way. Then, coming home and discussing the night with Maddi is the best part about it. Repeating the amazing things that happened, over and over again. Curling up on the couch, or den floor, wrapped in a blanket that barely covers my feet when I pull it up to my shoulders. Watching the first five minutes of a movie that would only be good if you were in one of those moods when you feel like watching a boring movie. Almost falling asleep, then realizing you have so much to tell eachother, that it wakes you right up again. Then, you lay there, and talk for a long time about life, and how thankful we are for eachother. About what we'd say if we had seen a picture of that very moment several years previously. What would we think? Would we be happy? Disappointed? Realizing how funny life is, and how amazingly perfect everything worked out which put you in that situation in the first place. Those are the nights I live for, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Saturday mornings, pizza or pasta for breakfast, usually left over from the night before. Then a nice, luke warm cup of coffee and the adding of honey, cream, brown sugar, and equal makes it beyond perfect. Microwave, then iced, one sip at a time until it's finished and I realize how good that cup of coffee was and how I'll never have another one like it in a long time.
Maddi showering, getting picked up early. Then, that's when "family night" begins. Missing Revive's house show is not going to be worth it. My family just ends up sitting in different rooms watching TV. But, not this time. I'm sure my parent's are in a new phase. The City Walk phase. It came right after the Chi-Chi's phase. And a few phases after the Mexican-themed party phase, and the Buffalo Wing phase. I enjoy these, until I realize how sick I become of the Mexican-themed parties and Buffalo Wings, or the dinners at Chi-Chi's, and finally the midnight movies at City Walk.
Spending the night at home, in my own bed, nobody else there but me on this Saturday night. I don't really understand why that happens. Maddi's not busy, neither am I, so why aren't we having a sleepover?


Maddi reading my blogs with me, makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Longest day of my life.

Sitting here, just here. I don't need to be anywhere else at this time. Kidding, I have to be at a handful of other places. I'm wondering so many things. Things like why a cardboard box stacked away on a closet shelf with no door in B-17, says "E. Lang" written down the side of it in bold black letters. Who is this E. Lang, and do they know that their box is here? I wonder what's inside. I wonder why the other people in this class can't go 10 minutes without talking, but that's probably how they got here...right? Not much is going on today, except in school suspension. I had my phone out in class. That's not fair, now is it?

why?We keep making eye contact. We keep exchanging smiles. Oh, how I wish I could go back in time and change so much from those months at a time.

Everyone who walks in, mumbles, "We've got a full class in here". Even though there's only seven of us.

Honestly, this isn't worth writing about.

No one would riot for less.

I introduced you. I introduced you. I introduced you.
Did you forget about me? Don't you realize?
I really do hate alllllllll of this.
All the time, this happens all the time.
Who knows when I'll learn.
Nothing goes my way...not one thing, ever.
I want what I can't have. I have what I don't want.
Come on! I want a change. I need a change.
But you know, I won't get that.



Of course not, that's not even possible. Never.

Coco is NOT his name.

My weekend started off really fun. School ending at 2:38, then talking to my few friends until 3:05, when Dezzi took us over to Jonny's house for a "getting-nothing-done" band practice. After that, we went to Chipotle and walked around the mall, and then to Funbags. We were all in the car, and decided to stop by my house, before we went to Maddi's to watch Spun and eat. When we got to my house, I walked in the door to find a new puppy running up to the door, with my other dog Mocha. It was such a nice surprise, and I had so many questions, and names for the dog! I thought of so many cute names, but my dad decided to call him Coco. Like really? I would be so much happier with ANY other name.
But when we got to Maddi's casa, the movie got boring so we shut it off, and cuddled on the carpet with Jonny and David. When they left, we chatted in the kitchen, and talked about what was in store for us the rest of the weekend.
We fell asleep, and woke up the next morning to exchange dreams like we always do. Saturday was a really fun day. That's all I can remember. If I could remember what I did during the day, I would tell you in a second.
That night, my mom took everyone to City Walk to hang out, and see a movie. Nothing bad happened at all, fun was flowing through the air. Everyone fell asleep on the way home, and we got to my house and slept forever! Maddi and Kenzie left early on Sunday, and I got ready for an exciting day in Ventura, with Lindsay! It was so much fun. I got enough clothes to fit in a garbage bag. We had so many adventures, from finding Emily in a Kinko's parking lot, to calling some truck driver's boss. We had no idea where we were going any of the time. But it was a really good way to top off my amazing weekend. Besides all the fun I had at the Laker game with my parents and brother, later that night.

I've got a few words I'd like to say:

Some things I don't tell you everyday, but you should know them anyways. Come, and find yourself. Just know, this is in no specific order at all, whatsoever.

1. Let me just say, this paragraph could go on and on and on. You have inspired me, and impacted my life in so many ways. You might not know it, but I am so thankful to have you in my life each and every day. In the bad times, where I feel like crying in the shower, or the amazing times, when I see Nonstop July in his car, and I feel like jumping out the back car window and telling him how incredible you are. You're so unique, and special and I hate how you don't think so. We're together every waking minute, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Nobody can ever and will never compare to you. Thank you so much for being always there for me- always. You're truly my best friend, and my only friend. Ha!

2. I don't think I have ever in my life, met someone as inspiring as you are. Everyday you have something new to tell me. Whether it's about your past, the now, or what you think will happen to you in the future. I've grown so close to you this year, and I regret not getting to know you better last year. I feel like i can trust you, and I know you will always be there to listen, or make me laugh when I'm annoyed at the world.

3. I've seen you when you're happy, when you're sad, annoyed, everything. You've became one of my best friends this school year and I'm so happy for that. I hate seeing you unhappy. You're such a great person, and not like anyone else I know. You shouldn't be going through what you have been dealing with lately. I hope everything gets better for you soon, because you deserve happiness more than anyone.. You've worked way too hard to be the person you have become, for things to end up this way. I want you to know that I'm here for you no matter what. Always.

4. Okay, so with most of these people, I've became closer with them this year. But you, I've known you for a little bit longer than a year. I am so disappointed in the person you've changed into since I met you. I've made the mistake of trusting you so many times before. Things would be better off if you changed, drastically. Everything about you needs some working on. I don't know anyone who has the courage to tell you that, though.

5. Next, you're one I have been through so much with. We've been amazing friends. We've been not friends at all, and everything in between. When ever I mess up our friendship, you always find ways to forgive me. Whenever I'm with you, I feel like a free-spirit. We have so much fun together and all the good stuff. I'm sorry for everything I've said about you, and everything I assumed. You mean a whole lot to me, and I would never want to lose our friendship. Even though I don't act like it at times, I'm sorry for everything we've both put each other through.

6. You and I have known each other practically our entire lives. I met you in 2nd grade, when you had a different best friend. After she moved far away, we immediately became close. You shared with me some of the best years of my life. I regret so much growing apart from you, but I know it was for the better. The only time we really talk is when we wish each other "Happy Birthday" or when we casually run into each other at the grocery store once a year. You were my first real best friend. You showed me what trust was. I'm so glad I can put that title on you. Eight years was so long ago, and we've both changed since then, so much. I hope one day we'll be able to meet and catch up.

7. Like a lot of other people, I've grown so close to you this year. We only have few memories and I hope to expand our friendship to the fullest. You're someone I know I'll be able to trust, with almost everything, and I'm so excited to see what's in store for out friendship.

8. And I say the same for you. Although we can already trust one another, I hope to become closer to you for years on. The little amount of time we've been friends for, has proved to me how amazing you really are. I've become so grateful these past few weeks to have you in my life.

9. Words can't even begin to describe the feelings I've had for you, for years. Three of them. We talk on and off, mostly off, but I would change that for anything. I've seen you with multiple other people you've had things with, and I hate it. Seeing you everyday had brought me to realize how much I've been missing. Acting like complete strangers is terrible because you see right through me, like I don't even exist. You never look in my direction. And I'm just waiting for the day when we'll start talking again. I miss our awkward hugs, our late night phone calls, and just you in general. Nobody quite sees how great you are, like I do.

10. I've looked up to you for a while now. You've inspired me and probably many others with your lack of cares and worries. It seems like you could care nothing about what people think about you and I admire that so much. I wish we were closer friends but we come from two different groups of people. Two different towns even. We're alike in so many ways. More than anyone else could notice. You seem like an amazing person.

11. You are one of my really good friends. I have so much fun when I'm with you. But I wish we could hang out more. I feel like I've helped you through a lot of hard times, and you've helped me too. I used to be able to tell you a whole lot more, but now we don't talk deeply about a lot of things anymore. I wish we were still as close as we were a few months ago. You have a really nice family and cute pets. Even though your dog hates me. Haha! You've taught me so many new things and I wish so much that we could have become friends earlier when we went to middle school together. But if that happened or not, I'm still super lucky to have you in my life everyday. Thanks.

12. You really are important to me. I don't appreciate you as much as I should have these past almost 15 years, but I just want you to know how much I love you. I miss when I used to kiss you on the forehead in your sleep, or when we discussed my friend problems, and you'd help me through everything and give me advice. I have grown apart from you, but I need you in my life more than anyone else. You mean so much to me and I wish I could take back every moment I've ever said or thought something negative towards you. You and Dad have supported me through everything I've done, and you've done so much for me. When I compare you to other people, I find an endless amount of amazing things about you, that out-number anyone else. You do put me down sometimes and make me angry, A LOT of times. But forgiving and forgetting are the easiest parts.
...You make me never want to grow up.

13. I have so much to say about you, I don't even know where to begin. You are so great, and lame, and funny, and angry and thoughtful. And I love all of those beautiful qualities about you. You have raised me so perfectly, even though you may doubt that sometimes. All the time. But I grew up with such a great head on my shoulders, all because of you, mostly. If I could change one thing about you, I wouldn't. I would want my relationship with you slightly differently though. You have taught me the most, our of all people, and I couldn't even count the ways you've inspired me. I want to thank you, a million times.

14. You're last, but not least at all. You are so close to me, but so far at the same time. I know you're not old enough to appreciate me yet, or tell me anything, but I wish you could. You and I could have a really incredible relationship, and friendship too. You just need to mature up a bit. I want to share secrets, experiences, everything with you. But I'll let you decide when you think those days should come.


All of you, you all have changed my life. Whether it was in a positive way, or even a negative way, everything obviously worked out in the end.
I thank you all with every inch of my heart.

A tase of season.

Ashes fall from the sky like rain. Everyone's affected by the smoke, from the fires. Helicopters fly over head, circling around the city. Firedrill bells ring and chime. "I wish we didn't have school." leaving people's mouths and fill my ears as I walk past them. The sky is a bright shade of oranges and browns. Smoke clouds in the distance, blending in with the mountains. If life were black and white, you'd think it was only harmless fog. But in color, it's so, so much more.




While I listen to the leaves crunching beneath my feet, as I'm walking to class, I realize how much I enjoy this weather. I don't mind the wind as much as I did last year at this time, because there's actually nothing wrong with it. The air smells of trees and maple syrup, all I can ask for. As I think about those things, and halloween just around the corner, I am happy. Happy with mostly everything. The change of weather affects my mood in so many ways. I want to be more optimistic and look at the bright side of things. HA! Like that's gonna happen.

The season of fires.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! I'm waiting for Sunday. I smell Ventura already. Salt water mist and old clothing. I just can't wait! I want to get there already. Train, bus, car, bike...who cares!...This week's gonna pass by like a snail, heading for the other side of the side walk. ssssllloooowww.

Don't leave without me.

Since I left my phone in my PE locker...going through 4 periods without a phone is beyond torture. I didn't think I could make it. Hardest thing I've probably ever had to do. And I wish I was joking...Turns out, my phone was in my bra all day anyways. I didn't even forget it.


Two things in this world that i enjoy more than anything else--talking to new people for hours at a time, and the circle of color at the un-used tip of a colored pencil. It will never hit the paper. It will never get sharpened. It will never experience life without being surrounded by wood like a guard from anything.
Okay, I'm lying. I also enjoy those days. I'm sure you know what days I'm talking about. The ones where your just there. The days when you lay in bed and think, "This is gonna be a great day." just because everything is so simple, and so perfect. The days where you feel as if you have a purpose. And that purpose is just to lay, to lay in the grass, on a blanket or quilt of some sort. Fog fills the air, and soft music fills your mind and thoughts. Wearing comfy clothes. Wearing left-over make-up from the previous night of fun.
...See, those days out of every other days, make my insides melt.

Start All Over...

My myspace got deleted last night. I spent 2 and a half hours re-adding people. Normally I would be super super bummed if this happened, but I didn't really care at all. I got over it within two minutes of finding out.
I'm wondering who actually takes the time to read my pointless posts.

Well, I'm wearing a sweater I've never worn, today. I'm not sure why I haven't worn it. Okay, I lied. It's probably the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. But, I have nothing else to wear. I'm in desperate need for new clothes.

One thing after another, these times just keep repeating.

What a huge, gigantic mess. What a mess.

wonderfulwonderful,

The weekend so far, has gone by really slow. Really fun, really cold, really loud, and really cold. Yesterday, Maddi's mom picked up Kenzie, Maddi, David and I from school, and took us to Maddi's house. There we sat, and slept, in the den...watching That 70's Show, and Goosebumps marathon. After that, we got ready for the Nonstop July and Juliet Piper show at the Verity Room. Ryan and Lindsay came over and we all carpooled together.
The show was amazing! Everyone was really good, including some bands I've never heard before. The smell of cigarettes and boy filled my lungs.
During one of the bands, David, Maddi and I walked to Wallgreens for food. It was like a coldstorm. I haven't experienced so much wind, and cold in the longest time. And it felt great. We came back to the show to watch Juliet Piper's amazing set, and to drink Java Monsters and Apple Juice. Maddi and I took pictures with Nonstop July. We had to leave in the middle of someone's set, who I really wanted to see, because he was so cute! But the ride home was fun. Blaring Hollywood Undead and Head Automatica was the funnest. We dropped everyone off at their houses, and went back to Maddi's house to eat and then watch more Goosebumps episodes. I fell asleep so early, and woke up in the morning to tell Maddi about the dream I had that walked away from me. I think her dream should become a movie, because it was really scary and realistic.
We drank cold coffee and ate donuts for breakfast, then hopped in the car for a ride to my house. All we wanted to do was lay under the blankets and gain some body heat. So, that's what we did when we got to my casa. We spent the day complaining about how gross we felt, until all of us took turns showering. We watched Aquamarine and ate food. I put music on my ipod and then got ready to finally, start my long, long day.
As Maddi and I watched Kenzie stuff herself through the doggie door, we made pasta. Pretty gross pasta, too.


Disappointments, disappointments, one right after another. I really just want to know why. People need to stop saying things they don't mean. And changing their mind. I want to be like those people who say they're, "done with everything", but I can't. I always feel like something will change. Or just for once, something will go the way I want it to.
...I should just stop wanting what I can't have.




Saturday night. Music Cures. Maddi, Kim, Kenzie and I got there before practically anyone else. Since it was homecoming, nobody really went to the show. We just hung out with Ray and Kyle most of the time we were there. It was pretty fun, I must say. Except for when I slipped down a hill. I think I have a bruise on my hip now. But, other than that, we got home and just relaxed. We were all pretty tired after our night, and day, and from staying up late the previous night before.

Now, It's Sunday morning. It's getting colder and colder each day. But, I'm too excited about it to complain. Maddi and Kenzie just went home. I'm already finished checking the new PostSecrets, so I'm just going to be myspacing and reading for the rest of the day. Unless I find plans to squeeze into my calm, mellow day.

Title:

Today: I've felt every emotion imaginable, just in one day.


I've realized that my life is jam-packed full of bad timing.
I don't really have much to say about today, but tonight when I'm about to fall asleep, I'll probably start crying because today was such a bad day.

ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

Store bought pancakes and a glass of milk.

It's morning. Wednesday morning. Warm morning. Rushed morning. First time in years I've had the time to sit at the table and enjoy breakfast with my brother. Pointing out shapes of countries we've accidentally created in our pancakes, makes me feel like a little kid again, eating breakfast before the first day of school. But then I realize, it's just another ordinary, bland day of school...and I'm all grown up.

Third period: My teacher thinks she's the funniest. If you tell her to "hold on a sec", she'll grab her desk with a reply of, "you told me to hold on!". With a totally serious look on her face. Of course, I'm the only one not laughing, since I've only heard that one one hundred and a half times before. I've never heard a woman call herself "broad" as many times as this one. Trust me...she's a character.





Well! Lindsay just left. We walked to the haunted school and took pictures. We started watching The Sixth Sense, but didn't get to finish it. And now I'm sitting here, getting ready to put the pictures on myspace.




I don't really have much else to write about, or a little quote to paste on here. So I'll see if anything worth sharing happens during my night. (:








nothing...worth...sharing. Except my house is now filled with yelling, and crying, and sadness, and madness. Spending the night alone with no school tomorrow, really upsets me. My brain thinks to much when I'm by myself.
...HOW AM I TOO WILD?!

Love all, trust a few.

Wow,
What a nice way to top off my highly uneventful afternoon. A rush into the house after I get dropped off, to cross the street and enter the sidewalk that enjoys the few more hours of sunlight left, infront of my house. I do this to add edible substance to the air that fills my stomach. Making up for the hunger I went through during the entire day. Skipping breakfast, and lunch weren't such a wonderful idea. So many emotions run through my head, filling my thoughts with memories of my day...which wasn't as bad as I expected. Last night was pleasant, in a very odd way. As I thought and thought about my friend's problems, I realized some of my own. I don't have that many in life right now, so I shouldn't complain. And I'm not going to. Even though these few problems make me unhappy every day. I'll just let everything, and everyone work things out on their own. But, back to last night...! It put such a dear feeling in my tummy after talking things over with a friend who needed comforting. I really felt like a new person with no worries, no pain. Falling asleep was super easy, since I was a half an hour off my normal sleeping schedule.


Those who have failed to work toward the truth have missed the purpose of living.




Would you like to hear about the day I lived today? Would you like to hear my complaints, my worries, and my hopes? Well I'd be delighted to tell you!
Since I picked out an outfit three days ago, getting dressed was easy this morning. So, I hurried on the computer to send David the pictures from last night's frisbee game. Then I picked Maddi and Kenzie up, and took them to school. First period P.E. wasn't so bad. Delanie was late to school, so I sat alone watching everyone socialize. When I looked down, I realized my shoe was on an ant trail. After noticing this, I immediately backed away and watched. As I watch them for minutes and minutes, I notice some hurt ants. Every ant that passes by them, stops to take a quick look at what's going on. I felt terrible by this point. Just because there's millions and millions of ants, just at my school alone, a feeling inside me wanted to cry. Just think, those tiny ants were other ants siblings, and friends. I tried not to let it bother me all period, since Delanie walked up to me. We talked and talked, like we do everyday. Discussing problems and events from the night before. Our friendship grows more and more everyday. I'm very appreciative of her now.
Second, third, and fourth passed by in a heartbeat. Before I knew it, lunch was over. The rest of my day flew by so calmly and normal.


I'm really worried for tonight, though. My mom forces me to get haircuts. If she didn't do that, I would never ask for one. They are my second biggest fear. It's so hard to trust someone, besides myself, with my hair. I absolutely HATE getting my hair cut. Not only am I stuck with an itchy shirt until I get home to change, but my hair looks so awkward and ugly. I feel so new, in such a negative way.
I really think I need to cut down on the complaints, though. I'm starting to get sick of myself.

Here's a fact from my snapple cap: Did you know, animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons?!

But, I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and stories for tomorrow's blog.
I hope I enjoy the rest of my day.






And then I wonder, what type of mood will I be in as I say goodnight to the world tonight?

Being a human, you live in what can only be a dream state - a fiction.

I've decided it was about time for me to get a blog. Opening up, and sharing my feelings with others is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I feel like this will be an easier way for me to reach out, and express my feelings in a simple, and diligent way.
I have so much to talk about, and so much to say. Trying to formulate everything into thoughts, though, will be the hard part. I'm definitely not one to use big words, or ramble on about useful things. Everything I write sounds as if it came out of a fourth grader's mouth. I'm not very skilled with that kind of stuff. But, I'll try my hardest to make your time reading this, worthwhile.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.





So, let me take the time to describe my life at this point. People flip flop out of it these days, faster than pancakes. It's really not pleasing anymore. I try my hardest to make all my friendships work but something always happens to make everything I worked for, fall apart and turn into nothing. Not even a "hello" or a smile when we walk past eachother several times throughout the school day. It doesn't bother me as much as it should, which is terrible. But only because I know I have the few best of a friends, who will be in my life throughout anything that happens. What happened to all the friends I used to have? What happened to all the people I used to hang out and socialize with? I ask myself these questions every time I let my mind take over. I've come to realize that as I grow up, having three or even four extremely close friends is far more better than having many, many acquaintances. People I can trust with my secrets, and share important things with will help me so much more in the long run. And I'm growing more and more thankful for these people every day.
See, look at me. I feel like I'm going to off to a ramble for the first time on here. I suggest you get used to my rants, though. If I don't end this now, I'm almost positive I could go on and on for pages and paragraphs, hours and hours. Taking up most of your time is not my intention though.
So, I'll say goodbye, for now.